Dawn

I totally feel retarded. I bitched Steph out about being loud because we were walking by the mall, and she was being loud about something, and i couldn't take it b/c I had my mind on my roommate and her friend who were talking about how certain girls don't eat, and how they think they're fat, and yada yada yada... But it made me feel like shit b/c these girls are, like, 125 lbs, and they think they're fat. So what do they think of me? I love how I look. I really think I am pretty- almost like an 19th century beauty, but this shit makes me feel horrible.

So the, I bitch Steph out, like an ass, and then i read how she had a great time at my dad's house, and how much she loves me as a friend, and I realize what a great friend she is, too. I feel like shit. I did apologize, but still, it feels like nothing will make up for it. BOO HOO!!!

On a good point, the anorexic girl I e-mailed mailed me back. I was so happy I almost cried. She said it was great that someone cared about her, since no one did, and I remember how that felt. My mom denied it, my dad and his wife were angry, and it was horrible. I wrote her back. I hope she will write me again.

Another sad note, Mike left. He's going to go to school in the city. I want to cry. he was such a nice guy!!!

Last nite I spent an hour e-mailing and posting girls who are anorexic. I felt really good at the beginning, telling them about my experience, because I remember when I went through that I was really happy to have people to relate to. But as I read more and more, it just got harder and harder. It took me back to a time I really didn't want to be at. I hated it. Still, I don't plan to give up trying to help or putting my word in b/c I know for me, I felt closer talking to people who had gone through it then people who hadn't. I want to help people b/c I know there were people who never gave up on me. People need people there to support them.

Also, I went to an international student's birthday party. It was pretty fun. I danced a lot, even though no one else was really dancing besides me and Simran, my roommate. I think it's really cool that we are so close even though she and I are so different. She is really a good person deep down.

I am glad about yesterday. It was fulfilling. I had fun, but was also able to help people, or so I hope. It was nice to go out and have a good time after I talked to those girls for so long. Still, I don't think I'll ever stop talking.

Our suite was a total mess b/c we haveen't cleaned it in a week or two, and guess what, Purchae?

I AM SO FUCKING PROUD!!!!

THAT'S RIGHT!!! I am PROUD that I have underachieved what has been expected of me, especially in a society where I feel like I am supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life. FUCK, YEAH!!!

Look, I'm not saying I love living in as pig sty! I don't! But I am glad that a group of GIRLS didn't feel they had to live up to any standards of what others had of them. We didn't care about what people thought when he/she came into the bathroom. We were too worried about our grades and other shit that was more important than being suzie homemaker!

I do have to admit it was nice to walk into a room that was nice and clean though. Still, I feel that people judge so much by what things look like. Instead of wondering "what might these girls want to do instead of clean their rooms", they wonder "how could anyone live in a place like this?" I know both guys and girls would get a hard time about cleanliness, but I think it is just rockin' that my suitemates and I have enough confidence to not care about what people think. I am a lot more than a clean bathroom, so if anyone has a problem with the fact that I think educating myself is more important than cleaning, please step up!

Cause at this point I'll just knock you the fuck back down!

Lately, I've been really passionate about writing, but the more I do it, the less I feel like I was meant to .I love it though, and really don't think I will be able to ever give up on it. I hate the way the world works. It's like you're supposed to know what you want to do by age 3, and I didn't, so now I'm fucked!!!
I never thought live would be this overwhelming mass of shit!!! I swear I'm beginning to suffer from anxiety, I feel the walls are closing in. That, and I'm exhausted.

WOW!!! This band was incredible. I had never heard of them before they came and played here, but I'm so glad I heard them live! It was just great! Also, it was so cool to see all those people there. I wish more events were that crowded!!!

I had a really bad night the other night. I had a huge fight with James. It sucked. I thought he was on of my best friends here, and, big surprise, he wasn't! I hate this shit! I mean, I totally know I rock, and I am an awesome girl, but I can't see why one of my best friends can't dee this! He's too concerned about climbing the social ladder!

And if my guy friends can't even appreciate me, then how am I ever going to meet a guy who does AND wants to be with me!

I didn't like James that way. Honestly, I don't even like Mikey, but I can't get past to the point where I could like anyone else besides him.

I just wish I could find someone like me... someone who just likes to cut loose like me, likes to be busy like me... someone who would dance with me in the middle of the mall, and have just as much fun doing it.

Also, I realized that meeting Mikey was a good thing. He really inspired me as a performer and a writer. I also realized I probably never liked him as romantically as I thought, or if I did, I know why. He just reminds me of myself. I don't really know him, but he seems like he cares about his friends, likes to have fun, and really captures human emotion, in his writing, and in his acting. I really look up to that. I am glad I met him, because he gave me confidence I would not have had without him.

Today was so awesome for the most part. I feel I wrote some really awesome poetry, which I read at open mic. Also, it was really laid back, but then I went on a show tonight to talk about ROAR, the magazine I'm starting, and I don't think I was really qualified to be on the panel of people talking. I felt so left out and dumb, but I figure if I try to keep informed, maybe shit will start to make sense for me.

Peace Purchase College.

Forgive me if I made a huge ass out of myself!!!

ROAR has been passed by the media board to be a real magazine that will feature poetry, creative writing, and artwork dealing with human rights. I'm so excited that people think this is a chill idea. I hope I can really reach a lot of people on campus with it.

So, friends of mine, start sending me your peoms that express your feeling on the issus of human rights. I want it all because I want to express the feelings of everybody on campus. I want this to be something everybody will love.

SIDENOTE: I hate the feeling when you get over someone. Yeah, its better then pining over the other person, but still, there is a feeling that something is missing. That's how I feel today, and it will passed, just like I got over him, but it still sucks. However, it's a lot better then constantly being hurt because you expect too much of people that just can not meet the needs you have.

I am really ashamed of myself.

I can't stop smoking. I keep trying and trying because I hate how fake everything is when you smoke, but sometimes I hate how boring it is around here even more.

And I hated Reynolds and how mush he did it, and now I feel no better.

I keep saying to myself that i will not smoke or diet or something like that, trying to make nyself a better person so something will feel right.

I don't really know what is missing, but something is. I need to take care of myself.

I'm tired of making excuses and not doing it.

I need to try harder.

Halloween was crazy last night!!! Aesop Rock was so awesome!!! It was so crazy with cops everywhere!!!

I think that this has been one of the awesomest nights at Purchase college, even though I was really plastered and yelled at everybody I knew.

I hope the rest of the weekend rocks this hard.

I have not written for so long for so many reasons.

It will just be easier for me to put them in list format:

1.) Internet- My internet has not been working, and I am too lazy to go and get it fixed. I know, it sucks, but whatever... Read someone else's journal for the time being. I'm out on campus enough for people too see what's going on in my life without having to read about it.

2.)Mikey- It sucks, but I was a little crazy about this guy. Honestly, though, it wasn't even him that I was infatuated with. It was my idea of him; the "him on stage, and the "him" I made up in my mind. When I first met him outside open mic, I was hanging out with a good friend of mine who I felt was kind of ignoring me at the time because he was so stoned. The, we ran into Mikey, and he kept talking to me directly, and I thought, "Maybe this will be the one guy who will see the beauty inside me. The stuff none of the other guys see." So, I created this beautiful image inside my head of who he was. I didn't give myself a fair chance to get to know anything about him.
However, the way he looked outside the party, looking directly at me when he talked to me, with the same eyes he uses on stage as he recites his poems so passionately, I have imprinted in my memory. I will forever remember it because for that short half hour I spent with him that night, he made me feel exactly the way I wanted to feel. I guess it was just a lot more painful than I thought to have it ripped away from me before I got to enjoy more of it.

3.)"No Sleep Till Brooklyn"- I didn't go to Brooklyn, I just haven't been sleeping well. I fixed that today, thank goodness.

4.)Fear- I have been a little afraid to post my feelings down where everyone can read them if they want to, but now I realize I really don't care, because people will respect me for my beliefs, or have to get the fuck over it. Either way, I am happy to be able to sit down and get this all off my chest.

Shit was too intense last weekend...ready to unwimd with my friends and begin anew.

I think I might apply for the creative writing program.

Besides that, I'm just chillin'.

And I was wrong... I have a lot to learn.

Thank God for my fiends.

I talked to him and he was really cool about the whole thing. It makes me respect him so much more. I look up to him so much.

At the same time it made me like him even more, so now all I can do is try to forget.

Thankgod for my grandma. She sent me some materials in the mail and it made me feel so much better. She always makes me feel great. She loves me so much.

Thank God the weekend is over.

I realize now that I wish I had apologized to mikey today...my conscience is eating at me.

I hope he doesn't hate me...I don't even know why I care. I wish I wasn't so foolish and didn't make so many mistakes. It hurts.

I guess it's over now, but I still feel like I fucked up so bad.

I hope I get mature.

I had the worst night ever last night...really. I got so drunk and totally freaked out. I scared like all of my roommates, and I hate doing that... they really are awesome and I thank god for them...

I also toally fucked up because I hit on a guy that's gay, and because I really haven't met homosexual people before college, I guess I secretly was hoping there was a way to make him straight.

I know better now...

Also, I don't think I really want anybody. I miss Jeff.... I will always miss him...I never could face the fact that I loved him so much, but now I can, and it sucks!!!

I need time to get over him I think...or myself. I don' really know what I need, but I need peace with myself... I hope I find it.

I just want to say sorry to my roommates, to James, and also to mikey...

I hope they can look by all that to the person I am...

It's crazy right now. It's too late too even think. Sometimes, I swear people don't get me. Anyway, everyone have a good night and peace out.

I have been thinking a lot about poetry lately, and I really love having my friends read it and telling me what they think. My one friend suggested rewriting it over, and I know he didn't mean it sucked or anything, because all writers edit. It's just that I'm not sure how I could edit a poem...how I could ever recapture that moment...I just never feel the exact same way any two moments, as I'm sure most people don't. Honestly, I'm prob. just exhausted, but I'm so hooked on writing. I love being able to use words. I guess I'll stop for now, but I guess I'm thankful for college and the changes it is bringing. Life is a lot different than I ever thought it would be.

I was starting to care for him.
It was starting to feel secure,
But then like the broken strap of a sky diver
I slipped....when he slipped into her.

And the worst part is I can't hate either...
Its like when a dog runs under a car of an old lady...
Some reason, the pain is worse when there is no one to blame.

So, I'll stare at the ground, keep my eyes away from the burning
He was too bright for me anyway...I belong in shadows...

And I rest there for awhile, in the cool shade,
Licking my wounds that he scratched up repeatedly,
Even when he did not know it...
Pouring lemon juice over my hands, he did not know how badly they were cut...

But they were... and I am not a saint
I can not give appendence for his wrongs...
So I send him away,
And the only thing left of him is the impression he burned in my mind.

I hate the sun.

I just saw Robert Pinsky speak at the PAC, and it was so cool. He is definitly an awesome writer. I totally dig his work. He read his one poem about a shirt and it was so unique. It went from the description of a shirt to a horrible killing incident that happened in the factory that the shirt was made in. I love a story that has a twist to it.

I asked him what advice he would give to aspiring poets.

He said to read poets you love and to write about what inspires you.

I thought that was cool.

He also signed by poetry notebook, which I though was so great. I don't necessarily want to be super famous at poetry, but I do want people to enjoy what I am writing. I think it is a great way for people to communicate.

Today I attended the open forum about the rapes that have been occuring on campus. Honestly, its a lot for me to recap, but basically we discussed the facts about the rapes on campus (how there has been only 1 reported rape, but prob. many that have not been reported), and ways that the campus as a community plans to take action. The forum began with a really moving fil about rape that almost made me cry, and then moved to a panel of faculty and students from the school. Karen Burnstein, my women studies prof., is an amazing woman!!! I respect her views so much. I thought the forum was a great idea, but overall there was not enough turnout. I hope that more people will get involved in the fight against rape, especially males. They seem afraid to touch the issue sometimes, and I want them to now, personally, I want toknow the male opinion on this. It would really help explain rape as a crime of power, not as a sexual act.